This boy. What a blessing. He challenges me every day yet brings me joy and love that is like nothing I’ve ever known, and sometimes feel like I don’t deserve. I think that is parenting in a nutshell, right? Oh and if anyone has tips for getting a kid who is downright refusing to take… Continue reading
Here is a look back on what we’ve been up to this week… Sometimes your kid draws on the windows with his peanut butter fingers and you say screw it in the name of art! Flowers from my Valentine Leaf in the sunlight My Valentine! My little artist First sap of the year! Griffin was… Continue reading This Week in Photos | Week 4
We’ve made it, the halfway mark. Already the first part of this pregnancy is over. I’d like to say that I spent this first half soaking it all in and enjoy each and every day, I certainly have tried but fear and anxiety have definitely been a part of my every day life for the last 20 weeks.
Each day I worried it would be the last with this baby so each day I tried to embrace the blessing that was given to me and each new day that came I was grateful but also scared it would be the last.
I never thought these things while I was pregnant with Griffin, I don’t even remember thinking about miscarriage once. Now, with losing Lucy and miscarrying in the pregnancy after her, it was a constant on my mind this time.
Every week I hit I would celebrate but the big milestone was getting past 20 weeks. Not just because the risk of miscarriage decreases greatly after that point but because at 20 weeks is when we found out about Lucy’s condition.
The day of our ultrasound I had a lot of anxiety, as I laid there on the bed and the technician did her thing I just kept thinking horrible words associated with Lucy’s condition: echogenic lungs, hydrops, ascities, enlarged trachea….
I knew that if something was wrong the technician wouldn’t be able to tell me, but when she turned the screen towards me and I saw our little one I knew that just from looking at the screen it didn’t look like Lucy’s did. I know I’m not a professional but having seen Lucy on the ultrasound screen a hundred times and what a normal baby should look like, this baby looked good.
I had to wait 4 more days to call my doctor to verify that everything was OK and when I heard those words I relaxed. For the first time in 20 weeks I let go of my fear, my fear that it would all be the same, that we’d relive that nightmare all over again. And then the realization set in that this baby may actually get to come home with us, will meet their big brother, will sleep on Daddy’s chest while he relaxes after work, will make our family complete.
I know we have 20 more weeks (or if it plays out like Griffin’s pregnancy 14 more weeks…) and in that time anything can happen, but with each day more that I get I feel more connected to this baby, to my body and to this life than I ever have before.