We’ve made it, the halfway mark. Already the first part of this pregnancy is over. I’d like to say that I spent this first half soaking it all in and enjoy each and every day, I certainly have tried but fear and anxiety have definitely been a part of my every day life for the last 20 weeks.
Each day I worried it would be the last with this baby so each day I tried to embrace the blessing that was given to me and each new day that came I was grateful but also scared it would be the last.
I never thought these things while I was pregnant with Griffin, I don’t even remember thinking about miscarriage once. Now, with losing Lucy and miscarrying in the pregnancy after her, it was a constant on my mind this time.
Every week I hit I would celebrate but the big milestone was getting past 20 weeks. Not just because the risk of miscarriage decreases greatly after that point but because at 20 weeks is when we found out about Lucy’s condition.
The day of our ultrasound I had a lot of anxiety, as I laid there on the bed and the technician did her thing I just kept thinking horrible words associated with Lucy’s condition: echogenic lungs, hydrops, ascities, enlarged trachea….
I knew that if something was wrong the technician wouldn’t be able to tell me, but when she turned the screen towards me and I saw our little one I knew that just from looking at the screen it didn’t look like Lucy’s did. I know I’m not a professional but having seen Lucy on the ultrasound screen a hundred times and what a normal baby should look like, this baby looked good.
I had to wait 4 more days to call my doctor to verify that everything was OK and when I heard those words I relaxed. For the first time in 20 weeks I let go of my fear, my fear that it would all be the same, that we’d relive that nightmare all over again. And then the realization set in that this baby may actually get to come home with us, will meet their big brother, will sleep on Daddy’s chest while he relaxes after work, will make our family complete.
I know we have 20 more weeks (or if it plays out like Griffin’s pregnancy 14 more weeks…) and in that time anything can happen, but with each day more that I get I feel more connected to this baby, to my body and to this life than I ever have before.
Hello in there sweet little one,
I saw you today. I saw your heart beating and your thumb in your mouth. I saw your arms and legs. One moment it looked like you were sitting cross-legged the next you were bouncing around. It was everything I had hoped to see today, it was pure joy.
I was so anxious this morning about this appointment, it’s hard not to be after everything we went through with your sister. But with every moment I got with you today on that screen everything melted away. I don’t know for sure that everything is OK, we won’t know until next week but what I do know is that you are in there and you are alive. I know your heart is beating and in this moment that is all that matters.
If something comes back from the report there is nothing I can do to change the outcome of it, for now I will sit and feel you kicking and bouncing around inside me because in this moment that is all that matters.
I have been trying to remind myself throughout the last 4 months is to give thanks for each day that I get with you because I didn’t appreciate it enough the last time. It was all over too quickly last time and I told myself if I ever had the chance to be pregnant again I wouldn’t take a day for granted. There are times when I find myself complaining and remind myself that it is normal but I always try to bring myself back to gratitude.
I am thankful for you.
For your heartbeat.
For you little kicks.
For blessing me with being your mother.
For being able to carry another baby
For one more day closer to meeting you.
I am thankful for all of my blessings.
I am thankful for all of my hardships.
Because it all brought me here to this moment.
And this moment is all that matters.